Ohh Yes, I'm Single: And so is my Girlfriend Read online

  Between that day and now, I have tried to search for her on Orkut, Facebook, and other social networking sites and have found her nowhere.

  Sheeny Sharma, Bangalore, 9 April 1988. None of the searches gave anything. I know why those searches don’t work.

  I wish I could see her once and tell her how sorry I am. And I wish she is happy wherever she is. And that she thinks about me occasionally.

  ‘You almost sound as if you still miss her, Joy,’ I said. Joy had narrated the last part with glazed eyes and a quivering voice.

  ‘I do,’ he said. ‘You never really forget your first relationship … and … and … I feel guilty about what I did to her … and how she left. I just wish I could see her once … Just once. If not anything else, just to tell her that I am sorry.’

  ‘What crap! You never feel guilty about dumping someone!’ I said. It was strange to hear such a thing out loud, in the open …

  ‘Things were different then, I miss her. I miss her every day.’

  ‘So Sheeny is the mystery woman whom you never met after you lost your virginity to her,’ I said. ‘Now that’s a better story.’ I smiled.

  ‘Hmmm,’ he said, his eyes were wet, and he looked away. He looked strangely upset. I had rarely seen him this upset before. I didn’t know anything about this girl so I was a little surprised. I didn’t want to intrude but I couldn’t help but ask him as to what was wrong.

  ‘What happened?’ I asked. ‘You seem pretty upset.’

  ‘I should have never let her go,’ Joy said, his voice breaking and trailing off.

  ‘That’s sweet,’ I said.

  And suddenly, the tears at the corners of his eyes rolled down. He did not attempt to make them stop. He mumbled and whispered to himself. I didn’t hear it the first time he said it. ‘I killed her …’ he whispered.

  ‘What?’ I said, shocked, not believing what I had just heard.

  ‘Two days after she landed in Bangalore … she died.’

  ‘What are you saying, Joy?’

  With tears in his eyes, guilt crushing his heart, he told me that he had contacted a friend of Sheeny’s a few days after she had left. She told him that Sheeny had passed away in a car crash, days after she landed in Bangalore.

  ‘Her friend blamed me for it,’ Joy said.

  ‘C’mon.’

  I didn’t know what to say. What can anyone say at such a time? I just wished he would stop crying.

  ‘She was right. Had I not let her go … she would still be alive.’

  ‘Joy, no one can predict these things,’ I said. ‘It wasn’t your fault!’

  ‘All she needed was a little love from me. I just had to ask her once to stay back. I couldn’t even do that.’

  ‘It’s not your fault, Joy.’

  ‘It’s my fault, Neeti. I am just a very selfish person.’

  ‘No, you’re not.’

  ‘I could have saved her,’ he said and buried his face in his palms. I sat next to him and hugged him. It was strange to see a guy who was always smiling, cry so much. I had nothing to say. I could see the guilt in Joy’s eyes. He looked terrible and said he truly believed he caused whatever had happened to her. I assured him otherwise and tried to change the topic. But he couldn’t get over it.

  ‘It is okay, Joy,’ I said again, as he kept breaking down.

  ‘I saw the mangled car on the Internet … just to imagine that she was in there,’ his voice trailed off.

  ‘Joy …’

  ‘She was in the car because of me …’

  ‘It’s not your fault, Joy!’

  Joy repeated the same sentences over and over and I felt sorry for him. After a while and numerous attempts, I was finally successful in changing the topic. It took me an hour to do that, but I was glad he had stopped crying.

  ‘Anyway, tell me a little about Sidharth … I know all your friends, but I still haven’t figured out who he is,’ I said.

  ‘Okay. There was an incident involving him. And the first time ever I saw how people react when cheated on …’

  ‘Go on,’ I said, although I really had no interest in that story. But as far it distracted him from thinking about Sheeny, it was fine for me.

  ‘Fine,’ he said, and sipped on the remnants of the coffee in his cup. ‘He was madly in love with Vani.’

  He wiped away the dried streaks of his tears and started to narrate.

  The First Cheating—Part 1

  After Sheeny went away, a long lull descended. It was not that I craved to be with anyone but it was hard to get Sheeny out of my head. The guilt had crushed me. I was more in love with her after she went away than when she was around. I used to spend days locked in my room, listening to the songs we had heard together, remembering the times I used to stare at her in disbelief that she was actually dating me, and I really really missed her.

  ‘You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone … They paved paradise, put up a parking lot.’

  I spent months reeling under the impact of what had happened. The conversation that I had with Sheeny’s friend kept playing on repeat in my head, every day, throughout the day. The pictures from the net, of the mangled car and blood, kept flashing in front of me. I kept blaming myself for having led her to her fate. Not a single day passed without my reading the note she had slipped into my hand when she shook it … for the last time.

  I am sorry. If only I could just say these words to her now.

  I stopped seeing anyone. I failed in a couple of subjects in college and my attendance dipped, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get her, or what I had done to her, out of my head. Sidharth tried to make it better, but with my constant snubs and depressing demeanour, he, too, gave up. Mom and Dad were worried and they often wondered if I needed to be taken to a doctor. Everybody knew what had happened and Mom had started assuring me that it wasn’t my fault. But nothing worked. The business of breaking up and losing someone is terrible.

  But as it happens, time heals everything. Even though I was far from being okay, I got better with time.

  ‘You need to go out, man!’ Sidharth said for the tenth time that evening. Exams had just finished and I had insisted that we stay home. I still had a lot of grieving to do. This dying business is really horrendous.

  ‘You have to get it out of your system. You can’t stay and be like this all your life. What happened, has happened. You have to move on. Sheeny would have wanted you to move on …’

  ‘Don’t give me that crap. Dead people want nothing,’ I said.

  ‘Oh shut up. See, I will call up Vani and ask her to get a friend along. What say?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I said.

  Obviously, such a reaction couldn’t stand up to the constant egging on by Sidharth. Later that evening, we were speeding down the lanes of Delhi University to pick up Vani and her friend. Supposedly, her friend was hot, so I thought that maybe it wasn’t that bad an idea after all. I desperately needed a time out.

  ‘Hi,’ she said. Sidharth and Vani had left on his bike for the metro station while they asked the two of us to get onto a rickshaw. It was a set-up and both of us knew it. I was still thinking of my dead girlfriend; she was way prettier. Why do we even talk of ‘forever’ when someone eventually has to die? John Green was right, ‘All relationships either end in breakups, divorce or death.’ My relationship gets ticks on two out of three boxes.

  ‘Hi. Joy,’ I thrust out my hand.

  ‘Srishti.’

  ‘Nice name.’

  ‘Same to you,’ she said and we smiled.

  She reminded me of someone faintly. It didn’t take me long to guess who. Nisha. Short, fair, edible and chirpy. On a closer look, she wasn’t. It was just that it had been so long since I had been with a girl alone that she looked kind of, border-line, attractive to me.

  By the way, in all these months I had heard Nisha had started going out with someone. I had checked that guy out on Orkut and I have to admit, he looked like an asshole. The Asshol
e Boyfriend Syndrome.

  Anyway, minutes later we were chatting about everything under the sun. Well, she was, and I was listening to her, wondering if my ears were bleeding. I decided I didn’t like her at all. She talked too much. I wanted to stuff her mouth with my socks.

  ‘You DCE guys have it good. You will get a good job after you pass out, a degree that will hold on for a lifetime, awesome to get into any of the good management colleges … Life’s set, you know. For Zoology honours, things are little too difficult … We slog so much … and then we do our postgraduation, our PhD in shitty, ill-equipped labs for years on end, and then don’t even get a job worth working for …’

  ‘You can’t blame yourself for it … there are just not enough medical seats in the country,’ I said as I tried to sympathize with her.

  The minute we got down from the rickshaw, we found Vani and Sidharth staring at us mischievously, as if we already had it going. Little did they know that by this time, my ears were numb. Nightmare. She had talked about Zoology, marriage, her childhood, love life, her plans—everything! I wanted to ask her to stop and breathe and have a glass of water.

  I thanked God when we entered the movie theatre but it started again.

  ‘The movie is so slow I can go home, eat, change, come back and it would still be at the place where it is,’ Srishti said.

  ‘Yes,’ I said as I kept my sentences as short as possible so as to avoid any conversation.

  ‘Will you guys shut up?’ Vani whisper-screamed.

  ‘Or go out of here if you want to talk!’ Sidharth also whisper-screamed and winked at me.

  ‘Let’s go,’ she said.

  ‘What?’ I said as I almost shat my pants.

  ‘Let’s go! Now!’ she said and clutched my hand. I wished I had an axe to saw her hand off.

  ‘Sure,’ I said and we left the auditorium, and then the hall. Things were just perfect; I was so much better at home, sulking and crying.

  ‘This is so much better,’ she said as we entered the coffee shop nearby. We ordered our coffee. I ordered a huge sandwich and hoped she would eat more and talk less.

  ‘At least we can talk here,’ she said. I would have rather hung myself by my testicles.

  ‘I know,’ I said and took a sip. I knew she would start a conversation, as that had been the usual trend that afternoon. I looked for ear buds to shut her voice out.

  ‘So … Sidharth told me that you had been crying all day since your break-up. I always thought that was something that we girls did.’

  ‘Actually, she died,’ I said.

  ‘Oh, I am sorry,’ she responded. She sipped on her coffee and stayed shut for a while, trying to process what I had just told her.

  ‘What do you think of Sidharth?’ she asks, breaking the soothing silence I had started to savour.

  ‘He’s a nice guy,’ I answer.

  ‘I like the guy. He loves his girl way too much. That’s very rare. I always thought of him as being too much of a player to be so much in love, but he’s very genuine.’ And she went on and on and on … It went from annoying to downright irritating to Shut-the-fuck-up-or-I-will-fucking-blow-your-head-off!

  She just went on, ‘… and when these two started going out, I just thought it was just a fling you know, like Vani going after the tall guys who look like they would be great in bed and stuff. It was all too quick and suddenly, Sidharth, after just a few months, told her that he wanted to be with her like for good, get married and all that. It freaked me out. Marry Sidharth? Now that was not something even Vani …’

  ‘Wait? What? Sidharth proposed?’ Now this was interesting. For the first time that evening, I didn’t want to kill her; this was interesting gossip.

  ‘You didn’t know? Ohh! Anyway, even we were shocked. I mean I was. Vani just lost her mind. She was unbelievably happy! I mean, c’mon! They are just twenty! They couldn’t be making plans about something six years down the line. Plus her thing with Aman, it was all too complicated to handle. I don’t know what Vani was thinking.’

  ‘Aman? Her ex-boyfriend? Wasn’t that all in the past? What now?’ I said, a little taken aback.

  ‘I shouldn’t tell you this but I think Vani still has feelings for that guy. And it’s strange because after what he did with her, she should have just snapped all ties. Anyway, she still talks to him; I think she even met him a few days back. I don’t know what the deal is with this girl. She is just so confused.’

  I forgot about being angry at Srishti, now I was furious at Vani. I remember Sidharth telling me about Vani’s ex-boyfriend, a gigantic jerk, and he told me that Vani and Aman don’t talk anymore.

  ‘Are you sure about it?’ I asked.

  ‘Yes. But don’t tell Sidharth. In all probability, she will sort things out and tell him herself. But it’s between the two of them and we shouldn’t interfere or comment. I mean after all it’s their life and their problem … who are we to comment on it!’ she said.

  You are the one who is commenting, bitch!

  After this, I just stopped listening to whatever she had to say. I was battling thoughts of whether I would tell Sidharth or not. It took me a week to decide that I shouldn’t do anything about it. And it took two weeks for Sidharth to know all about it.

  ‘What is it with you guys?’ I asked.

  ‘As in?’ Joy said.

  ‘I mean, guys are always in touch with their ex-girlfriends, that’s not a problem. But when we do, it is! Such double standards,’ I protested.

  ‘Oh, you are such a kid,’ Joy said, disdainfully. ‘Look. In a relationship, girls set examples. Guys follow. Girls are the good ones in a relationship. They teach the guys how to behave! Girls, in reality, are the better halves. They aren’t allowed such liberties as talking to exes. Because it’s a bad example! Especially since everyone knows that girls give everything to a relationship. And that’s what we expect. And in that state of having lost your minds and hearts to us, if you are still in touch with your ex-boyfriend, it’s just bad news. The male brain is hardwired to react violently to that.’

  ‘You don’t make sense,’ I said, though in my heart of hearts, I did find some sense in what Joy had just said.

  ‘Whatever,’ he said. ‘Should I continue?’

  ‘Sure,’ I said, still a little pissed off.

  ‘Sidharth blew his top off. I knew his temper. He is not the type of person you should mess with,’ Joy said.

  This part, I listened to with extra interest. I knew now who the real Sidharth was. I would be lying if I said I didn’t like him. In fact, I had a huge crush on him back in the day. His smouldering hot, intense eyes always struck me. But Joy didn’t want complications in his friendships and never introduced us formally.

  I wish …

  The First Cheating—Part 2

  ‘How could she? She lied, right to my face!’ Sidharth said with teary bloodshot eyes. It was almost a little strange to see a big man like him cry. ‘Right to my fucking face!’

  ‘C’mon. Get over it. She didn’t deserve you,’ I said. The usual post-break-up dialogue; he looks at me as if he would break my face.

  Vani never told Sidharth. Sidharth spotted the two of them together at a coffee shop near her house. When he confronted her, the guy said it was none of his business. They ended up having a big spat there, and Sidharth was left with a bruised hand, and the ex-boyfriend got his nose smashed.

  As illogical as girls are, Sidharth was blamed for the whole episode, she called him irresponsible and that he should have tried talking it out. Sidharth told her that she was a bitch and should fuck every ex-boyfriend she had had. Quite obviously, she never wanted to see him again, and Sidharth asked her to go fuck herself, which contradicted his previous sentence.

  ‘Let’s call up Ganesh. Let’s have a go at this guy. He fucked up and I am going to fuck his happiness up, man,’ he said, pacing around the room.

  Ganesh was a troublemaker, a friend of Sidharth’s, who was always looking for people to beat up; it was
like his profession and he pursued it passionately. We had seen the guys who had been at the receiving end of Ganesh’s assaults and they were not pretty sights.

  ‘Sleep it off. The fight is not going to help the situation. And I guess if someone is wrong, it’s Vani.’

  ‘I know, but I love her. And the fight will help. Anyway, it’s over between her and me. At least this would make me feel a little better.’

  ‘But …’

  ‘We should deal with Aman. That fucking asshole. Teach him a fucking lesson that he wouldn’t forget.’ His voice cracked from anger and despair, as he clenched both his fists and banged them on the table. I was already scared.

  ‘Shut up, man. Take it easy. Give it a few days, it will all be fine,’ I said.

  ‘It will not be fine, man. She fucked up and I have full right to have my revenge. I am not going to take this lying down. I mean I have to do something. What would you have done if your girl was doing the same?’

  ‘I have never been in love,’ I said, trying to joke, though I know I am someone who would never get into fights; I know I will just end up running.

  ‘Lucky bastard,’ he said.

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘But you have no idea, Joy, what I am going through right now. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat … I’m dying, man.’

  ‘You’re overreacting. Get over it!’

  ‘It’s not easy. All I do is think about these two talking, saying things to each other, even kissing, oh fuck, I am sure, kissing. Ugh. That slut! And that bastard,’ he said, his face turning red.

  ‘If you are so angry with her, why do this to the guy?’

  ‘Because he is a motherfucking asshole. You don’t know how he dumped Vani. He fucking made her cry for months! And who was with her all that time? It was me! And just when everything is perfect, this shit-eating bastard comes up and fucking spoils everything.’

  ‘Hey, Sidharth. Calm down, man.’

  ‘Calm down? Are you crazy?’

  ‘Okay, you are right. I probably don’t know what you are going through. But stay put. Don’t do anything rash. Don’t do anything at all. Things will be all right. Just give it a few days. They’ll work out. If things don’t get fine, I promise I will go with you when you bash him up. I promise.’